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Then it was time to say goodbye to Isparta. I was going to see Istanbul for the first time.
But my heart did not have the strength to carry either curiosity, wonder or pleasure about
Istanbul. There could be no such negligence to be nurtured against Istanbul, the land of love
worth a lifetime; but I was excused; I was separated from my family, now I was leaving Aunt
Mevhibe and the city of all dear memories. When I looked back for the last time, I whispered
that unforgettable verse of Ahmet Gazali, which I memorized from my mother’s poetry book,

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into the heart of the cities (if any) I passed by: “Your heart is always famous and proud,
excuse me, you never knew what my excuse was.” During the trip, Canan left me to myself.
He sensed that I wanted nothing to get in the way of me. We just kept silent, but we kept
repeating many sad sentences that were said in our hearts, accompanied by the memories that
come alive as a photo frame. Time was a broken mirror on that journey. It was the first time
that I was deeply aware of the state of time being broken, dispersed and distant. I can’t see or
hear anything but the sadness that the broken mirror gives me; I’m like a dream in a novel,


that’s how I felt. On the radio of the bus, the ecstatic voice of Gülden Karaböcek that pierces
one’s heart like thin spears and is addicted to sadness, touched me like the wind that cruelly
widens a wound. Silent throughout the journey, I thought, how he is emerging, and how he
matures, caring about nothing but himself. Love, longing, who knows what adventures it will
take me through and how heavy it will become… The point where maturation stops must be
death. This means that the emerging entity will secretly proceed on its own path as long as the
entity it contains lives on. And I mean, I was saying that the hashish that took my life down
would be longing… The thoughts that emerged with the pangs of longing and sadness made

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my heart so tired that I wanted to close my eyes and get lost in a dream of complacency. The
dreams of my mother, father, and aunt Mevhibe appeared in my eyes. I relived every goodbye
hug. Aunt Mevhibe’s misty eyes If I could express all my feelings and thoughts, I would like
to tell you: I am in a state of constant growth and change. I’m developing a separate entity
from you even if I am your child. Try to get to know and understand me. I learn by

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experiment. You may have difficulty keeping up with me. Allow freedom in play, friendship,
and pursuits. Protect and snore me anytime, anywhere. I learn better if I see the consequences
of my actions for myself. Let me do my own business. How else do I know when I’ve grown?
Even though I really want to grow up, I can’t help being younger than my age from time to
time. Don’t mind it, but don’t spoil me either. I always want to be a child. I know I can’t get
everything I want. However, as long as you give, I can’t help it. Don’t give me any
unwarranted promises. When you don’t keep your word, I lose my trust in you. Do not
hesitate to be firm and firm with me. When you see me go astray, limit me. I can’t say that I
like all the boards and bans you put. However, when I don’t have any restraints, I’m confused

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as to what to do. When I see that you are acting inconsistently, I both falter and can’t help but
take advantage of it. Remember that I am more influenced by your actions than by your
advice. You can occasionally make mistakes when you train me. I forget these quickly.
However, seeing your respect and love for each other decrease hurts me and makes me

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nervous all the time. Do not talk too much and shout too much. I don’t hear much that is said
out loud. Soft and firm words leave a better mark on me. I always ignore speeches that start
with “I was your age”. Don’t blame me for my little mistakes like it’s a big crime. Leave me a
margin of error. Don’t judge

me like I’m the bad boy for my mischief. Correct my wrong
behaviour. Mommy, before you punish me, listen to me. As long as it doesn’t exceed my guilt,
I can bear my punishment. Listen to me. The moments when I am closest to learning are when
I ask questions. Keep your explanations short and concise. Don’t force me to work beyond my
abilities. But wait for me to do the things I can do.